Penelope Humps Potassium

A Night to Remember for Philip K. Fuck

Phillip K. Duck shifted noiselessly on his perch above the guppy tank, drew its sweet, fishy scent deep into his lungs, and thrust himself down to the bar floor below. Months of dragging himself bill-first across the floor and driven jagged grooves into its surface, but he was sure the house’s residents hadn’t noticed. With quiet determination, Phil inched towards the stairwell.

By the time he reached the backyard, Phil’s breath had grown labored and his nictating membranes were heavy. Through a crack in the coop, Phil caught sight of Penelope, mounted boldly atop Potassium. Potassium’s half-tuft was plunged deep into the freshly-lain straw. Phil sighed and pulled out some pink panties he was using to stuff his lumpy keel and balled them in his mouth to prevent him from quacking.

Mesmerized by the Cayugas, Phil hardly noticed that Francis was still settled on top of the coop. For a minute their eyes met and Phil thought she might start whining. But in a mess of feathers she jumped to the ground and approached. The sex feathers on Phil’s fat behind curled in anticipation as Francis turned to present her downy cave. Gagging as he spat the pink panties out, Phil climbed on top of Francis and began tonguing her pink wattle.

After a few minutes, Francis let out a mind numbing, ear-piercing whine and collapsed into a feathery goo. Phil dusted himself off and turned back toward the house. The taste of wattle still sweet in his mouth, he climbed the dark staircase to the bar.

Phillip K. Duck. File photo.

Penelope is not a boy.

Evidence #1:  Penelope is a girl’s name.

Evidence #2:  When my sister dressed up like Penelope, she did not put on a penis.

Evidence #3:  Today there were three duck eggs in the coop.

Just because two people have sex does not mean that one is a man and one is a woman.  It is the same with ducks.

Blake, you did not see any duck penises or duck vaginas let alone duck semen being ejaculated into a duck vagina.  You tried to sound objective and journalistic, but you did not have all of the facts.

I doubt you even know what a duck vagina or duck penis looks like.  I object to your duxploitative presumptuousness.

Adam and the egg.

Adam thrust his head into the hot stuffy coop, leaning forward on his hands to look for eggs.  His finely sculpted rear end waggled invitingly as he located two grey duck eggs amongst the straw.

As his powerfully muscled back straightened he looked down at the eggs, still warm, in his palm.  One was freakishly huge, twice the size of a normal egg.   He imagined the dual-yolked monstrosity exiting through the hot, wet vent of one of the ducks.  He rubbed his thumb along its surface, still moist with the dual anointments of avian sexual effluvium and slippery excreta.  Secretly, in his secret place, he hoped that the egg was one of Ferdinand’s.

He took the egg to the sink and began to wash its surface.  The lubricating factor of the detergent on the hard, slightly rough eggshell excited him even further.  Before he could stop himself, he felt his thumb plunging through the shell into its raw, forbidden interior.  Albumen and yolk went spurting outwards, spraying onto the front of his blue hooded sweatshirt.   After a moment spent in wordless ecstacy, he patted the wet spot dry and washed his hands.  The spot was not overly conspicuous.  He would wear the soiled sweatshirt to work.  It would be his (and Ferdinand’s) little secret.

Erotic Duck Fan Fiction

An anonymous fan of duck eroticism sent this one in:

It was a hot and muggy summer afternoon.  Potassium and Penelope were sitting in the grass in the shade of the trampoline, quacking quietly at each other.  One of the humans who lived in the house had decided that it was time to clean the duck pool because it was getting to smell very bad.  The ducks didn’t mind the smell, but they did like it when the pool was filled with clean water.  They just wished it didn’t take so long.

Draining the pool had caused a big duck scented puddle to form next to the pool in the yard.  The ducks always get excited about puddles and Potassium got up and started quacking excitedly while drinking from the puddle and splashing with her webbed feet.  Penelope thought this looked like good fun so she got up and started doing the same.  The two ducks made so many excited quacking sounds that they attracted the attention of Ferdinand, the third duck, who had been sitting in some bushes behind the trampoline.  Quack quack quack, splash splash splash, went the three ducks.

Finally the pool had drained all the way and it was time for the house human to start filling it up again.  The hose does not quite reach all the way to the pool, so the human had to rig up a system involving a ten foot section of rain gutter to get the fresh water into the pool.  The clean cool water cascaded into the empty pool, attracting the attention of all three ducks, but the ducks would rather have a pool of water than a waterfall, so they continued to play in the puddle of old duck water until the pool had filled up about half way.

swimming is a great way to cool down when things get hot

Ferdinand was the first duck to get into the pool, but Potassium had other ideas.  Potassium got into the pool with Penelope following close behind and the two of them chased Ferdinand out.  Ferdinand had some idea what was going on and decided it would be nice to just sit down in the shade for a while.

With Ferdinand out of the pool, Potassium and Penelope swiftly got down to business.  Potassium swam to the middle of the pool, and Penelope swam up behind her.  Penelope swiftly mounted Potassium, grabbing Potassium’s head tuft with her bill while she inserted her duck penis into Potassium’s duck vagina.  Penelope dunked Potassium’s head under the water several times during their duck intercourse.  Potassium’s serene duck-smile and half closed eyes when her head surfaced each time let the voyeuristic house human know she didn’t object to Penelope’s rough handling.

Soon Penelope had ejaculated her duck semen into Potassium’s duck vagina and she dismounted.  Having gotten what she wanted, Potassium exited the duck pool and went to sit down next to Ferdinand.  Potassium and Ferdinand exchanged a few quite quacking sounds, and Ferdinand, with a glimmer in her eye, got up and waddled over to the duck pool to join Penelope.

. . . to be continued?